my goodbye.

i reached my breaking point today.
i broke.
yelled at my parents for asking too many questions.
i said they dont understand me,
and that they dunno what the fuck im goin through.

the problem is tho.. it had nothing to do with them.
i broke not because their asking questions..
but because i reached my breaking point.
even i don't know what the fuck im going through.
my days have been so lackluster,
sayin im ok, even when im not.
its hard to put up a front with emotions on my sleeve.

i just got off an 8 hour shift..
tired legs.. from constant activity.
gym, work, ball.... past week.. keepin active physically and mentally.

but it isnt really my legs that are tired.
its me thats tired.
or drained, for better word.

im just so out of it
everytime i think im ok... i realize that im not.

for once i was happy.
and when i say happy, i mean happy in all aspects.
only to have that same source of happiness be that which kills me the most.
damn.

i don't understand, i don't think i ever will.
i reassure myself... thinking, one day, she'll realize.
one day she'll be like "you know what... he was good to me."
and maybe she'll miss what we had.
or at least what i thought we had.
what hurts the most... honestly.
is when she said she loved me.
i don't ever hear that word.
its always been that rarity in the relationships.. or relations i've had.
i've never been loved.
only cared for temporarily.
but damn, she said it.
to have someone say they care about you, and have you feelin like nothing else matters..
and then to have that ripped from you just as quickly as the moment was basked.
it fuckin sucks.
did she mean it tho?

man.

maybe its just the points in life we're both at.
me being 21 and having experienced many things, and being that age where i'm damn near through partying..
and her being 19/20.. still having that to look forward to.

i don't know what it is.

the moment things went sour.. everyone told me to let go before i got hurt.
but im a stubborn individual. i loved her.
and theres things you do for love, as it is something inexplicable.
its a feeling that takes over you, and brings out the best in you.

but damn iono. i really should stop analyzing this.
cus shit, you're probably over me already..
probably been over me.
guess its another one of those experiences i gotta add to my book of life.

they say, "don't frown because its over, smile because it happened."

i guess i gotta get to that point and find my smile again.
cus thats what i've lost.
gotta find that reason for smiling, that smile only she's brought out in me.

one day at a time. this is my goodbye.

you said it best..

"giving up doesnt always mean you are weak, sometimes it simply means you're strong enough to let go"